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24 June 2011 @ 12:38 am
you guys remember me? - transsexuality, status, what I've gone through.  


so woooow, it's been what, almost a year since I've posted here. I'm sure you guys don't even remember me. I was that jrock-interested oshare kei/visual kei-inspired person, who adored cute stuff and wrote about light, happy things. while I wrote, I was severely depressed actually, and got hospitalized due to that. do you guys remember me?

anyway, I just wanted to update here. tell you guys how I am, and what I've been doing in the meantime I wasn't around here. also, the things I'm into now, and what kind of genres I like, both music-wise and fashion-wise.

the thing is... I don't know if you guys remember, but I never said what gender I was, because I was so afraid and felt horrible in my own body. but the thing is... I've come to terms with my gender. my identity. I am not female, despite what my body says.
I AM A BOY.
I'm transsexual. always been identifying as male, ever since I was 11 or so. I'm 18 now. I've gone through long phases of dressing girly, and I've realized that no matter what's inside the mind, it does not always show up on what's on the outside. a BOY can still dress girly, and still be completely comfortable in his own gender. but though, I was surpressing myself back then. I still like girly things, like decoden and I still love fabulous dresses and cotton candy-pink. I don't feel like I'm not allowed to dress in pink, because life's too short to care about things like that. it's what's inside your mind that matters. and I am SURE; I am indeed a BOY, and nothing else. I came out as a transsexual boy in soon two months ago. my closest friends knew it before, though.
and NO; being transsexual is not a fad, not a fashion, nor a mental disease. but it makes you suffer great dysphoria for sure... it has done that to me for years now, and I'm still not okay with my gender. I just wish I was born the way I should have meant to be born.
but I'm working on masculizing my body, through exercising, swimming and training. I can't wait to end up with the body I've wanted for so many years.
I'm starting on Tribulus this year, a natural testosteron booster, and hope to get the best out of it. in the next few years, I should be able to start up on testosteron injections, and getting top surgery (<- cut off my breasts, to achieve a flat chest).
but enough about that.

so last time I wrote, my boyfriend had just broken up with me. in more than a week, it's a year ago. in the meantime, I've had 2 other lovers - one who was also transsexual, a female-to-male (like the one I wrote about when I last was here), and then, my current boyfriend, whom I've been with for soon a month. I love him, and I live with him already, since we started out as roommates. <3 he's adorable, and supports me in every possible way he can. so YES, I am in a gay relationship, hahahah!

I've gone through phases of self-harm, weed-addiction, bulimia/anorexia periods, and psychotic periods. and now, I'm totally done with it all, or so I hope.

I'm being br00tally honest in everything I wrote here, I'm just as open as a book, and I'm not even afraid. :]

music-wise, I'm not really listening to Japanese rock and pop anymore. it sneaks in, occasionally, and happens from time to time. I listen to electronic music, like DJ CRACKRAT, Crystal Castles, and emo/rock. I especially like Saosin. hahahah.

fashion-wise.. I ADOOOOORE bright and colorful fashion, like new-rave-ish things. and retro. and 80's-like things. just anything bright and neon. I still love japanese fashion, but I don't really dress in it anymore. currently, my hair is black with a blue tone to it. I wear nerdy wayfarers/retro glasses everyday, and I'm mostly seen in neon colors and button-up shirts.

I hope you all are doing okay, and I have certainly not forgotten anyone of you. I really hope you will comment if you remember me, just saying "EY! I REMEMBER YOU!", hahahaha. :'D <3
 
 
Current Music: dj crackrat - rats on crack attack
 
 
 
monstapandasuu on June 24th, 2011 01:10 am (UTC)
;___; definitely remember you! I checked back ALL THE TIME wondering what had happened. I'm so glad you're okay.
<33 please update lots and I'll comment lots, too
shinjis_riskshinjis_risk on June 24th, 2011 01:19 am (UTC)
aww, this made me so happy! I was afraid I was just some random person to you, and others here, too. hahahah. <3 I'm happy now!
and I'm more than okay, I'm fantastic. :] and finally learning to deal with who I am.
I probably won't update as much here, because I have gotten a new blog. but I think I'll start posting the same entries from blogspot, to livejournal. :'D

my blogspot is dishonest-heart.blogspot.com

and again, I'm so happy. <3
nana ☆sunghyeon on June 24th, 2011 01:31 am (UTC)
omggg I've missed you!! I'm so glad you're doing better.
(I may have done a name change since you left, I think I was 'mizuame' back then?)
shinjis_riskshinjis_risk on June 24th, 2011 01:34 am (UTC)
aww, thanks, sweetpea. <3 I certainly am. I can't even believe I was dragged so down back then. but I'm hopefully done with fighting for now!
and OH; I REMEMBER YOU! I've wondered how you were. I definitely remember you, and you had the same icon back then. XD hahah. how are you?
nana ☆sunghyeon on June 24th, 2011 01:37 am (UTC)
Yay! I'm wonderful, have done sooo much in the past year and am up to a rather difficult college decision at the moment.

What are you up to in life? :)
shinjis_riskshinjis_risk on June 24th, 2011 01:41 am (UTC)
oh, what have you done? I hope you've had some great times. :] and what's with the college decision?

I'm up to.. currently nothing. XD I'm enjoying life, together with my friends, boyfriend and roomies (= I don't live at my mum's anymore, if I ever mentioned that on my LJ).
after the vacation ends, I'm going to start at a school for writers, so I am excited! I cannot wait. and in less than a week, I'm going to London with a really great friend of mine. :']
nana ☆sunghyeon on June 24th, 2011 02:20 am (UTC)
I was in France, but I only lasted 5 months before shit started going down so I left and had an amazing time back. I just did a 3 Days of Fashion camp thing at a fashion institute and I fell in love with fashion design. And now I have to decide if I should use my brains at some prestigious university or do what I love and go to this 2-year institute.

That's really great! Why writing? :D
selfish_henjinselfish_henjin on June 24th, 2011 04:09 pm (UTC)
I'm really happy to know you're okay, hon.
I was wondering what had happened to you but seeing you being well is a relief.
You've put up with a lot of shit, kudos to that.
Welcome back. <3
shinjis_riskshinjis_risk on June 28th, 2011 10:46 pm (UTC)
thanks, and yeah, I'm totally fine. <3 no worries!
yeah.. but I consider it all over now, that's all I hope for. :]
Yuki ExcessiveYuki Excessive on May 30th, 2012 02:31 pm (UTC)
Posted a year ago, hmm? It's a shame, I wish I could have stumbled on your blog before, you seem like an amazing person that has gone through a lot of struggles with life. It would have been awesome to get to know you, lol. ^^ Although you more than likely do not come here, I'd like to wish you the best of all luck, and as a saying goes

-The harder the struggle, the more glorious the outcome.